UPDATE!

traded one blog for another.

got my second wind.

Last Post

Darlings,

There IS a reason that we have not posted for, um, EVER, because the days have flown by while we wrestled with some major life changing incidents, which lead us to the decision that we will be moving back to Illinois. The only readers that I know we have, you darlings, are probably fully aware of this. If there are any of you that I don't know about, you, darlings, are hearing this for the first time.

Early spring is always a difficult time of year for me. There is something about the year cycle in my mind, mood, and memories that causes me to struggle deeply in the March-June stretch. I've always been fairly candid on this blog about my physical and mental struggles, but during this time I have not been able to write. As these things affect every aspect of my life and our marriage, Dan and I did some tough thinking about our situation in Oregon. This last severe phase of my depression revealed that in the case of emergency, both of us do not want to be handling it isolated here in Oregon. I don't mean to sound morbid (if that does sound morbid) but it is our reality. So, in April we made the decision that we would move to be closer to our families and friends, specifically my hometown, Washington, because we need a greater support network. My family and friends in Washington and Chicago were there with me before when I had been admitted to the hospital and they have a depth of knowledge and intuition about my depression that both Dan and I need to have close to us.

After we decided, we waited a long time to tell everyone. We had friends and coworkers to consider and the timing was very specific. Now that everyone knows, I decided to finally post. Ironically, we also accepted an offer on our condo today and will be closing at the end of July. Ahead of us? Packing, moving to a temporary apartment, saving money, and then moving to Illinois in December with our rowdy children in tow; Hobbes detests car rides, Rocco barks out the window the whole time, and Blake has never seen the outside world from a baggy before.

Because there has been so much to write about but we have not been able to write about it, this blog seemed to be buried in a moratorium. Now we have decided to "end" it. The nice thing about this blog is that it has been like a diary of our lives for the past 2 years and we will print the entire thing out, converting it back to paper to add to our chest of all of those emails we wrote when we dated and the myriad cards, notes, and letters we've given each other over the past 6 years.

I feel ready for this...If I kept the blog going, I wouldn't be able to post for another year; there will be so much going on until then!

So this is goodbye. For now. We will absolutely resume an internet presence once we are settled in Washington and ready to broadcast our lives to everyone here, there, and elsewhere.

Until then, you can talk to us on Facebook and still see photos on Flickr.

I hope the greatest thing that came across in this blog was how much Dan and I love each other and love our life together.

And that love is what guides our greatest decisions.

xoxo,
dan + leah

The Mighty Wilson!

Hello everyone! Yes, here is a random post from the dude in the family (who can actually type and has opposable thumbs). This weekend a co-worker and I decided to meet up and go fishing on Saturday.

I have two co-workers that fish, one is named Steve. Steve fishes the Nestucca River. He was the first one to take me out and show me the intricacies of river fishing, and showed me all his favorite holes on that river.

I fish the Nehalem River. It was the closest river to where Leah used to work (Henny Penny), and I would always drop her off and go fishing when she had long days. I know that river the best of all the Coastal rivers.

Greg knows the Wilson River. I have never fished it, and didn't even really know where it was. It is nice and close. So we took Saturday to run up and down the river fishing his favorite holes.

When I say "holes" I am talking about areas in the river that get really deep. The Salmon and Steelhead tend to rest there and eat bugs that collect, and rest up if they need to push up the river to where they were born.

Most of the day, we didn't see any fish, and the only thing that was caught was 2 baby salmon that nibbled on Greg's hook. We also ran into a pretty snarky gentleman who didn't want to share the river with us, and was a bit on the passive aggressive side. We decided to try and find one more hole on our way back. It is by far the coolest little area on the river. There is an arch rock formation that many people set up a tent under and camp the night (for free, cause you can do that around here). We started fishing that hole, and it was pretty small, so Greg and I had to split up. I was fishing the deeper end for awhile, and I thought I would switch with Greg (to be nice). Bad idea, about 10 minutes later he hooked a really nice sized Steelhead!!

The problem with this hole was there was not a good area to grab the fish from. The rock we were fishing from was about 8 feet above the river, and the shallowest part was through the rapids, so there was no way the fish would let you bring it up there. After about 10 minutes, Greg (and I) both realized that it may not be possible to land this pretty little fish. So we came up with a plan...........

He gave me his pole, and I gave him my needle nose pliers (to remove the hook). He scampered down the face of the rock, to a very narrow ledge on the edge of the river. Greg can scamper, he was a "tree dog" (Arborist) and quite a bit smaller than me. If there is one thing I can't do is "scamper" or "shimmy". "Plodding" and "deliberate" I can do! So after about 10 minutes of me trying to direct a fish to a place it does not want to go, Greg finally was able to grab its tail and bring him in. It was truly a team effort, and here is the happy Fisherman.........
So that is a Steelhead. About 15 pounds, and close to 24" long. Really nice fish. Even though I helped, it was his fish. I once again........for 5 years....got "skunked".

So, the next day I had to drop Leah off at work at 5:00 P.M., and she had to work until 10:00 P.M. I needed to go into work to catch up on all of my paperwork and proposals, but I had an itch that needed to be scratched. I WANT TO CATCH A STEELHEAD!!!!!

I went back out to the river, but many of the good holes had people fishing in them. I wanted to be alone. I found a hidden turn off, and found a couple of promising holes. You are looking for areas that have some rushing water going into the deep holes. The Steelhead are usually at the tail end of the whitewater. The Salmon are usually in the deep slow water. I fished one hole....nothing......second hole....nothing.....thought about leaving, but I heard some other rushing water down river and decided to check it out. It was a long long walk, but it was worth it, because I caught this...............

He fought me for about 15 minutes, and I was able to tire him out and land him. It is hard landing fish like these alone, because they tend to flop around a lot and could easily take your pole down river. I got him unhooked, and took this picture. I went to release him, but he kept flipping around and hitting his head on the rocks. He made it into the water, but went on his side and started floating on the surface down stream. I was thinking to myself. "CRAP!!! I killed this poor innocent fish!!" Since I don't eat meat, and don't need him for food, I released him. So did Greg. But I didn't want him to DIE!! I watched his side go down river, and he disappeared behind a large rock. I walked down there to see if he regained consciousness. Nope. He was on his side, in a small pool near the bank. I put him on his side, and petted his head. Yup....PETTED a huge wild fish in a river in the middle of nowhere. Talk about a spiritual relationship! He kept looking at me, opening his mouth a little. I massaged his sides and moved him back and forth. He then moved his muscles a bit in my hands........I let go..........and he slowly turned around and swam away. What a day!!!!!!!

Here is where I was, fishing, along, drinking Coors out of a can, and at peace...........on the mighty Wilson.

The New Job

If you remember correctly, I took a job with the company-whose-name-will-not-be-named back in late February. I worked full-time the week before the store opened, and after that I was only given 4 hours a week. I ended up voluntarily quitting because of the minimal hours, as well as the stressful nature of the job. I had never worked for large corporation with sales goals, upt goals, credit card goals, and conversion goals. It was a lot of goals and I felt like the management was breathing down my neck about it. I also disliked the fact that I had shifts where I was the only associate in the store, expected to greet every customer in the front of the store while setting up dressing rooms in the back of the store, as well as completing register transactions.

To make matters worse, I was instructed to assist every customer with their shopping and after setting up their dressing room add items they did not pick out. It was all to aggressive for me and unmanageable. I might have gave it a longer fair shot, but I felt patronized and unsupported by the manager and assistant managers. I was also expected to dress in the style of the store, which meant I had to by a bunch of new clothes. Especially because they had rules about the outfits. For example, one must wear accessories, dress shoes, nice slacks or jeans, a sweater, or a top with a "third piece." This meant an addition piece with the top such as a blazer or cardigan. I made the mistake of wearing jeans and a sweater (jeans require a top with a third piece) but I was lucky that the assistant manager said it was a first offense and she didn't force me to go home. It wasn't a difficult decision for me to quit.

After that, I got a job at another store-whose-name-will-not-be-named. This position turned out to be the exact same situation with the only difference being I was selling home goods instead of clothing. I just have no interest in upselling customers and following them around, trying to reach my goals just so the store reaches its goals so that the corporation can please its investors. How depressing and meaningless. I was also given only 8 hours a week and was on call for 5 days a week. Seriously? After one day of paperwork and watching safety videos and being quizzed on them, I quit again.

You can imagine how thrilled my husband is with my unsuccesful attempts to bring home a paycheck. It didn't help that I made my exclusive and subjective decisions by myself, or that I was unable to continue getting unemployment benefits.

Sigh.

The day after I had that first day at the 2nd job, I interviewed with Cost Plus World Market and nailed a sales associate job against 9 other interviewees. I participated in a group interview only, and I was wary because one of my fellow applicants had already worked at the store in San Diego. My first day was May 28th and I couldn't be happier. There are some similarities to the previous jobs however the environment is supportive and my fellow coworkers are really great. All of the customers I've had are great, probably because most of them are buying wine. The greatest aspect of the job? You get to wear t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers. I WAS IN LOVE.

If you aren't familiar with the store, it is a national chain offering home decor, bedding and bath, furniture, dining accessories and kitchenware, as well as dry goods, beer, and wine. Everything is imported from over 50 different countries so there are strong ethnic themes in all departments, especially food. I work 18 hours a week at the register, on the floor helping customers, and stocking. For retail, it's great and perfect for me in the sense that there is no pressure or stress.

If you are interested, you can check out the web site here.

10 Marriage Adjustments Each

For Me:

1. Snoring
2. Keeping the bread and peanut butter in the fridg
3. His very unorganized drawer (yes, he only gets 1)
4. Having my boobs stared at or grabbed on an irregular basis (sorry parents but it's true)
5. Watching sports, including NEVER missing a single Bears game (which I don't mind anymore)
6. Speaking of sports, having passages read to me from books like "Watching Baseball Smarter"
7. Eating healthy dinners (again, which I don't mind)
8. Loud punk music
9. Stinky socks
10. A messy car, including spiders and lawn debris on occasion

For Him:

1. An obsession with E! network and Celebrity reality shows.
2. Hair in the sink, shower drain, pillows, and bathroom counter. I think she sheds as much as
Hobez!
3. Speaking of.....living with a grumpy cat.
4. Being late.....at least she gets to the airport in enough time for me not to be sweating!
5. Having to watch "period pieces" every once in awhile.
6. Having to cook for two........I still can't get portion sizes right!
7. Boobs all up in my face all the time......(that is not entirely true, yet funny)
8. Having to launder things that have "special care instructions".
9. Worrying about my foot odor.
10. Plastic bags on every door handle....for all your garbage disposal needs.

Recent Goings On

Seattle
[Baby Jonah]

Stop Off in Orting
[Ally, Dan, April, Bel, Faith, Noah, Leah (and Rocco)]

Last Night Together Watching Cartoons
[Me & Pax]

Hanging Out With Carmen & Lorri
[Kick-Ass Desserts They Brought]

See More Photos on Flickr!

Logan's Birthday Party

Weekend for Play

I've had two days of slight improvement, and this weekend was sunny and eventful...

Friday night Dan went to the driving range with Matt and I joined Gayle, Abbie, and Garrett at the movies...Zach Ephron is so dreamy! (I guess.) 17 Again? Pretty funny thanks to Thomas Lennon. Tweenyboppers unite in their love for it...

Saturday Dan hit the golf course with Matt and Jesse while I slept in. We spent the afternoon finishing rearranging the living room! (Photos soon...) In the evening, we joined Patrick and Teressa at Richard and Jeanette's new house for a housewarming gathering. Microbrews, a yummy vegan smorgasbord, apples to apples, and guitar hero. Not to mention great company! (Rocco even had a play date with Marlowe!) The photos above of the giant bike were taken that night. Their friend, Clint, wizzes around town on it. Richard and Patrick gave it a try, so I couldn't help myself! Sometimes I really like to do something that I am a little afraid to do...And I'm so glad I did it! It was hilarious!! Dan was very proud of me (especially because he was a little chicken to do it.)

Sunday we hit Hagg Lake to find some trout. We failed miserably. But we did get to enjoy the sun, a few beers, just the two of us.....Well, and Rocco. Who went offleash for the first time while being outdoors with us. Dan was very nervous letting him run around, but I kept optimistically arguing that if he ran off, he'd come back. Actually, HE WON'T. Dan totally won the domestic dispute. There was a good 10 minutes when we thought we'd completely lost him. Other than that, he did really well and even romped around in the lake! We all napped hard when we got home and then pigged out on dinner and watched Burn After Reading (very good).

Books and a General Lament

I have been very depressed. Still waiting to see what Cymbalta can do for me.

I don't mean to be a downer. I find I have nothing else to write about.

There has been little happening since I got back from Illinois. I haven't done hardly anything at all other than apply for jobs among the massive 12% in Oregon searching too.

Well, this is not entirely true. I have done a few things. I've bought a lot of mochas, smoked too much, and talked on the phone a lot.

There has been no reading. I felt ambitious today with the redemption of the sun and bought three books for $9. God bless the bargain bin. "The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007," "The Yellow House; Van Gogh, Gaughin, and Nine Turbulent Weeks in Arles," and "Demonology (Short Stories by Rick Moody - unrelated to demons).

Speaking of books, Dan's birthday came and went without a post. He requested Little Debbie Easter cakes. I provided (2 boxes!) and got him two library books as well: "Watching Baseball Smarter" and "Trout Bum." Dan is 32 and I love him. He has been extremely patient and supportive lately.

I made it a week without buying anything (I truly am an addict, so this is substantial) and then took 10 steps backwards with a few things for the rearranged living room: a poster, a shelf, two pillows. I am trying to make the space more cheerful. Will I be more cheerful? Too much gray, brown, and black. Dreary.

Did I mention the sun is out today? Beautifully warm. We are going to take advantage of this change of events and go fishing this weekend.

I also hung out at the library reading magazines. The interest is barely there, so it was more like an aggressive flipping through. I watched 3 Gilmore Girls episodes one afternoon. Otherwise, the TV remains off. I count stitches on furniture, think of new ways to write my signature, pet the dog and cat. Stare at the leaves on the trees.

When everything feels meaningless it brings such grief.

Tomorrow I will shower and we'll go from there.

At My Desk: Health Insurance

Listening to: NCAA coverage

Stack of books: Carnet de Voyage by Craig Thompson, From Dawn to Decadence by Jacques Barzun, The Quiet American by Graham Greene.

Pile: Daily planner, magazines, Prescott College Master of Arts catalog.

Miscellaneous: Triscuits, NOMC chronic pain support group pamphlet, scissors, beer.

The boys: Rocco sleeping on the chair, Hobbes making the rounds, Dan watching the game.

Thinking about: Two weeks ago my doctor put me on a new anti-depressant, Cymbalta. It's a young drug...Only three years old and therefore has no generic form yet. I took the introductory pack she gave me and then went to get my prescription filled before I left for Illinois. My insurance denied the medication coverage until I tried 4 alternative drugs that have generic forms. (Had I actually taken that route, it would have taken at least six months to try those and see if they were working effectively--no matter my doctor's opinion that this is the best drug for me to try at this point.) It took a week for the pharmacist, my doctor, and the insurance company to work it out. (My doctor submitted information claiming I had already tried those drugs and need to be on Cymbalta.) This was very frustrating. Isn't it my doctor's job to determine what I take? Who is the insurance company to prescribe my meds? I am not a real person to them, just another policy holder. They are pinching their pennies (rightfully so, given the economic climate in Oregon and the threats to subsidized state health care)...Yet, the snafu left this policy holder dangerously dropping off a medication and helpless for over a week. I don't know how I got through my trip feeling so unstable...I did a lot of crying and sleeping in between seeing friends and helping with the wedding. Dan picked up the medication today, and even with the final approved copay, we're going to shell out $75 every month until we can see how the drug is working....and then go from there. Of course I want the drug to work. I want to feel better. At the same time, I don't. I don't want such an expensive drug. This experience has made me very angry, yet I don't know who to blame. Myself? I fail to find a secure job with a company that can offer me health care. The insurance company? They are doing their best to offer coverage for everyone else like me in this state who is denied coverage by regular insurance companies. We already have pre-existing health conditions and I'm sure they are all very costly to treat. Those insurance companies denying me? Politicians? Investors? What can I even do to make this better for myself or other people like me? I feel very helpless.

Tell me who to write, who to call, what house to egg.