correct. this post is at two thirty in the morning. i got off work at one and came home to a sleeping house...rocco didn't even come out and greet me! he's sound asleep under the covers with dan. usually i am too wired to go to bed right away, so i fix something to eat and watch tv. i only work this shift for two more days, and after a short afternoon shift on wednesday, the blessed three day vacation will commence.
i've been in retail off and on for over fifteen years, and i should know by now that christmas makes things hectic. one easily forgets. despite the mayhem, i'm enjoying myself. how? why?
when i took this job, i was extremely happy to find work, thrilled to get to wear jeans and sneakers, and glad to have friendly coworkers. what i never said was that i could barely work the 18 hours i had. my moods were not stabilized and i cried with anxiety every day before i had to work. i told dan i didn't know if i could handle an it. but i kept at it. the past two weeks leading up to christmas, i have worked over 30 hours a week. not only have i worked more hours, i've also received positive evaluations and two 100% secret shopper evaluations. (yes, these really exist!) i'm full of energy, work hard, and always have a smile on my face. during this busy time, customers notice it and appreciate it. despite the occasional sour puss, most customers have wished me a 'happy holidays' or 'merry christmas,' made a point to thank me, and even used my name. [i firmly believe that this is the most unexpected and pleasant aspect of retail...the moment when a customer uses your name as in, 'thanks leah,' or 'have a merry christmas leah' because it validates me as a person. there is nothing more depressing than standing there, making a transaction while talking and smiling, and the customer never even looks at you or makes eye contact. so i am seriously happy that i've had great customers.]
anyway, i am proud of myself and dan is proud of me too.
i can't believe i am doing so well after the difficulties of most of this year.
it is difficult to explain when or how my moods stabilized. i have been taking both cymbalta, a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, and lamictal, an anti-convulsant drug, and the doses i have worked up to seem to help. they reduce the acuity of shifting between states. i also take a sleep medication which has contributed to both mental and physical improvement. my fibromyalgia has improved as well. in addition to my supportive and adorable husband, my enrollment in the outpatient program, portland dialectical behavior therapy has made a life-changing difference. i completed twenty weeks of individual and group therapy, with my final session this past friday. my growth has been enormous! i studied areas of mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. just like learning anything else; practice, practice, practice! this is what i will continue to do.
i am happy that i get to share some good news and especially that i have a sense of pride. that is something that i have not felt in a very, very long time.
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