so, the past seven weeks have been very difficult.
my blood work in october showed an abnormally low level of progesterone indicating i did not ovulate despite a surge on my home test kit. my doctor gave me an rx for the maximum dose of clomed to use the next cycle but then i didn’t start.
my new doctor did a whole lot of “well, gee whiz.” “boy, i don’t know!” “gee, i wonder why you can’t ovulate?” “hmmm.” “huh.” he had me schedule an appointment with the fertility nurse, who i couldn’t get an appointment with for two months. at my suggestion (from past experience) he prescribed progesterone to make me start. it was day 40, after all.
after ten days of provera, i started. and it was a mess. i mean, there was a lot of blood. i was changing a super tampon every half hour for three god awful days (which made traveling especially fun). i was exhausted. and i was really emotional.
i couldn’t even talk about it anymore.
i started reading a blog by another woman who has PCOS and her journey with infertility. and she had links to other blogs, who had links to others….suddenly a whole community of infertile couples revealed itself online. (it started here.)
and i realized: we are an infertile couple. i mean, it is kind of official at this point.
and i felt angry.
i finally said out loud to dan: “it’s not fair.” instead of trying to make me feel better, he simply agreed. it isn’t. we are beautiful people with a loving relationship who want to have our own child. and we can’t make it happen.
i began to have the sort of thoughts and emotions that i swore i absolutely never would. i was jealous and irrational. the thought of hearing someone else got pregnant freaked me out. i started to dread the baby shower i was invited to. i regarded anyone who tried to comfort me with utter contempt.
“it’ll be ok” or “it’ll happen!”
“look at so and so,” or, “look at me, it happened!”
i thought if i heard the story where “the couple who were trying to get pregnant finally stopped trying and got pregnant” …one more time…i was going to scream at the poor individual who shared it.
and good god, did i feel guilty. so guilty. because i let my pain actually diminish, if not eclipse, my joy for another friend’s pregnancy, for other friends’ children, for, actually, everyone alive on the goddamn planet because somebody gave birth to them. how awful. who wants to hang out with the mean and bitter infertile girl?
when we first arrived in arizona, i couldn’t even look directly at baby nexus. when she was brought into a room, everyone turned their gaze to her. i mean, she is a gorgeous baby. and exciting! What is more fun than waiting and watching to see how a miraculous little creature like that will react to you? smile? burp? giggle? it is all delicious. but i couldn’t look.
i quickly covered the fact that yes, we were still trying, and no, the medications weren’t working, so we are on to the next thing. i didn’t create a conversation that left room for anyone to contribute. it felt like an elephant in the room but it was my elephant, only i could see it. and it was annoying! it made me feel isolated and anxious around my dearest friends. while we were there, i also started taking clomed at 200 mg. i had an upset stomach and couldn’t escape a wierd jittery sensation. i felt like i was going to crawl out of my skin.
but by our last night there, i had held nexus. i had smiled at her and meant it. i loved her and pax-simply loved them without bitterness. they made me laugh. i made progress.
our last night, while dan got his tattoo, despite my fear and resistance, i talked about it all with tina. she didn’t say any of the things that i hate to hear. she just listened. and then she started to cry and told me that she is angry, too.
i could have lived in that moment of solidarity forever. it was very healing. i really need more of it, and the only way to get it is to keep sharing. even though it is hard.
and trying. future-baby is not a lost cause, even though sometimes it feels like it. i have been doing the home test-kit the past 10 days to no avail, but there are at least 10 days to go. hell, i might just test-kit my way into the next cycle just to be thorough. :)
i have an appointment with the fertility nurse next week. dan is going to have his sperm checked. i opened up to my coworker and it turns out her husband is an acupuncturist who treats infertility and she gave me the name of a highly recommended naturopath who also specializes in infertility and female hormones. i'll meet with her in february. and life goes on. dan and i are happy and have so much fun together it is probably disgusting. we just ooze love.
and the baby shower? it was good. :) i was truly happy to be there and truly happy for her and her family and i can’t wait to meet the lil’ guy. (xoxo, mel) and of course i enjoyed every moment of putting together her gift, because really, i like giving gifts. a lot.
we found her the elephant that was on her online registry but sold out (thank you, anthropologie) and gave her a nice little stockpile of onesies, four for nb, 0-3, and 3-6 each. thank you, target, for making a sweet and simple alternative to blue for a boy. :)
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