March 14, 2014

There was Winter.

 

And then came Spring.

I don't really know where the time went. As a 10th anniversary gift, Oregon has given me full blown allergies. Spring has always been a beautiful and invigorating time of year (unless I was low on Vitamin D) and this year it is running me into the ground. I have had cotton-filled ears, a runny nose, congestion, occasional sore and/or itchy throat, and sneezing. Oh, the sneezing! I don't have the patience for this.

In full disclosure, I am not sure why I still have this blog. I haven't made it a priority to write here for such a long time. Once out of the habit of daily writing, it is extremely difficult for me to sit down on a random day and write--without providing context for everything. And it is daunting to think about how much there is to catch readers up on for context.

I read a book review recently on Christie's blog about I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids by Jen Kirkman, and in it Christie said a part in it also reminded her of Wonder Women by Debora Spar (I totally meant to read this book based off of Christie's rec, but, well, that has been added to the list of To Do....)  Christie noted when Kirkman addressed "...the idea of women's choice. How we were led to believe as young girls that we could have it all. But the all isn't attainable without sacrifice and once you start making those sacrifices, well, you don't really have it all anymore. You have a lesser version called the next best thing." 


I am contemplating this greatly these days. This is probably a stark contrast to my last post--announcing with great exuberance my new business venture and how satisfied I felt creatively and professionally to be doing well with it. 

It is just...There is only so much time in a day. And those days go by. And before I know it, a season has changed. And my son is 6 months older. I am juggling a lot of apples in the air and soon they are going to drop. We can only do SO much. Where is the balance?

I do stop and enjoy playing with Raine in the moment. I do stop and hold Dan close to me and close my eyes. I do stare at the gradient of fur on Rocco's muzzle and run my fingers over the soft pads of Hobbes' feet. I do admire a sunset. I do feel grateful that I can walk and not limp most of my days. I enjoyed that mocha this afternoon. But, still. I am caught up in all the motion and I fear it is too fast, too chaotic. 

october 14, 2013

I slept in today.

The last three weeks, I have been working two jobs. I have had my 9-5 office job on Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fridays. On Wednesdays and Saturdays, I have been training at a local boutique in McMinnville. As of Wednesday, I switched full time to the boutique, where I am the new store manager. It is a crazy story as to how I ended up there, but I'll save that for another day.

Today I paid bills, did laundry, caught up on scheduling appointments and correspondence, and bought a fall wreath for our front door and rain boots for Raine. That is pretty much it. Now I am waiting for Dan and Raine to get home while I catch up on last night's episode of Revenge. ;)

I am truly astonished it is already the middle of October. After I last posted a few photos of Raine in honor of his 2nd birthday, we celebrated with a party and then I caught a plane to Illinois the next day. For two weeks I stayed with my parents, and then Dan and Raine joined me to see other family and friends. After I got back from Illinois, Ally and Marc came for a (fabulous) visit, and then I started training at the shop. What a whirlwind! {Expect a few recap posts!} Now my birthday is in four days, Halloween is just around the corner, and then Dan's parents are visiting in November. Soon we will be sitting around the table with friends offering our thanks. I love this time of year, and as usual, I am trying to slow my mind down and notice all of the beauty and details.

My Post About Being Busy

Good Lord, things have been BUSY. Since I posted that we had found a house, I can't even begin to describe the level of busy-ness I have been operating at. I still could have found time to write, but I honestly was not making it a priority.

My priority has been keeping my sanity.

Part of maintaining my sanity has been "To Do" lists like this one. The week after we moved, I had four pages like this one (front and back). I had to keep everything organized somehow. By now I can't even make a list. It is too overwhelming. Not because there is even MORE stuff to do, but because I already spent all possible energy and used up all of my superwoman brain cells. There is nothing left. I don't know how or when I get a recharge, but I am hoping it is soon...

Here is what we have been up to...

We celebrated Easter. This involved friends and food, presents in Raine's Easter "nest," bubbles, more food (including cupcakes) and more bubbles.

We went back to Illinois for a visit. There was a lot of playing to be had for Raine with his cousins, and then we had our fair share of food and beverages, and lots of time with friends and family.

We packed a lot for our move. We tried to pack a little bit every day. Raine liked to pack and then unpack, pack, unpack, repeat.

We finalized paperwork on the house and made several trips out catch glimpses as it was built.

We had it inspected and then had a new homeowner orientation with the builder.

We signed a lot of paperwork and closed escrow.

Then on Saturday May, 4th, we moved in!!!

We tried our best to help all pets adjust to the new house. This included training Rocco to use a doggie door. We crossed our fingers that he would use it while we were away at work throughout the week, so we wouldn't have to come home to accidents all over the new hardwood floors and carpet. It took about two weeks until I felt completely comfortable leaving him alone. Now he uses that thing like a BOSS.

Hobbes made some surprising trips to the vet, racking up ridiculously large bills. He had two teeth removed and was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism. He has to eat expensive prescription food now, of course.

Rocco also has had to have some extra vet visits and tests. Most notably in just the last week, he has developed what we believe is Lymphangieasia, which is causing protein to leak out of his intestines. He started medicine yesterday and I am working from home this week to monitor him until we can get him back to the vet on Thursday and have his blood checked again to see where we are at. If he has stabilized on the medicine, there is hope we will have him around a couple more years (as we will continue to treat it with a prescription diet). If he does not stabilize, we will have to help him get more comfortable and say goodbye in the next two to three weeks. We are stunned and sad and nervous.

Immediately after we moved, we spent a week cleaning the crap out of our condo. (This included Mother's Day. However, before Raine went to the baby-sitter and cleaning commenced, I did get to have a groovy little breakfast en plein air with my boys at Henry's Hot Breakfast. And hubby gave me roses. Sigh.)

After listing the condo, we waited for six agonizing weeks to get tenants. Just as I was about to lose my shit, we found them. I just gave them the keys Monday. HALLELUJAH.

In between all of this, I have tried to attempt to baby step my way into tackling major changes with my daily job and special projects, including the business I want to start. The short of it is that nothing much has changed. ;) I am still at the same day job and it is still very stressful and even less ideal now that I live 30 minutes away. My plans to amp up posting and content of this blog has failed, but I did finally gather together my goodies for my side project, snail says. It is in early prep stages and I will not be formally launching it, or making any sort of announcement, necessarily, when it is up and running. The plan is to leak it on Pinterest eventually, when I reach a certain point in the content level (which I think is scheduled for late August or September). LOL. I wish I could tell you more, other than ... It will basically chronicle Dan and I's love letters and creative tokens of affection during our courtship, which was ten years ago this month. This is the only time I will likely mention this project because I want it to happen in a space exclusive of this blog, with it's own organic possibilities.

And, the business. It is forming. I have a P.O. box, email address, and company name with a blog/web site and Twitter account. It is in such early stages I hesitate to share details but if your really want a peek, you can get a glimpse here.

OH. AND AS IF THIS ALL WASN'T ENOUGH. I have also poorly attempted to be a super sister and super daughter and help and/or stay on top of (at least) my mom's medical progress. More about that at another time, because there really is no simple way to recap that.

ABOVE ALL, THOUGH. 

I have been falling in love with our home and our new town, as well as the greater community and county we now live in. I am beside myself with peace and joy having at last found my elusive Oregon roots. They are reaching deep quickly and finding nourishment here. I look forward to what they produce.

I Am Thrilled About Five Things

1. This beverage, on tap tonight in the Herzing household. God bless my husband for sharing.

2. New episodes of The Office and Parks and Recreation tonight.

3. Hubby cooked the oh so delicious Crispy Chicken Salad with Pickles & Lima Beans.

4. Raine went to bed without a peep and is getting some good rest.

5. Tomorrow is Friday.

About Pain

I woke up okay today. Raine was babbling in his crib and waiting for me with a giant poopy diaper sweet grin. We watched some Sprout, played with toys, had some milk, bread, and peaches. I dressed him up in orange and navy (no game today but still...!) including a super cute cardigan, jeans, and his sweet little shoes I'm trying to get him to wear (the days are starting off chilly now and I am realizing autumn is quite near and this little guy is going to have to start covering up those cute toes of his!) Dan was fishing so we had the morning to ourselves. We went to Starbucks and visited my friend Shane and then to Target for some sundries. I thought Raine would be ready for his morning nap by the time we got home, but he was more interested in playing again.

I was doing a really good job of keeping up with him.

I was feeling pretty good.

I managed the steps to our apartment, the getting in and out of the car, the carrying him around in the store once he decided he was NOT going to ride in the shopping cart without being Fussy McFusserson. I crawled around and chased him while he played at home. I pulled linens to do laundry and picked up around the living room.

I was really doing great despite some sore muscles from yoga practice yesterday (I returned to Escape this week after what ended up being a 2 month hiatus!) and only 5 hours of sleep (I was up until 2 reading an entire blog. 171 posts over the past two years. Needless to say I was hooked. More about that another time!) Once Raine finally took his nap, I put a movie in (I had to take advantage of Dan's absence and watch something that 1.) was NOT football and 2.) was totally something he would scoff at watching, like, a silly romantic comedy kinda thing) and worked on laundry. By the time Dan came home at noon, I was tired. I finished my movie and then curled up in our bed and took a quick nap. I had plans to run errands while Dan watched Raine in the afternoon. I wanted to take a nice long walk with my boys. Maybe even pull out my old yoga DVD and dust it off for a quick 30 minute session at home. I figured a nice little nap would help keep me energized.

But after I woke up, things changed.

My legs hurt. More specifically, my left leg hurt incredibly bad from my hip to my big toe. Every muscle fiber ached and it throbbed in the thigh and calf. I surfed the internet, played with Raine after he woke up, and FaceTimed my  mom. I tried to wait the pain out. It wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. So I let each of my goals for the day slowly slip away.

I ended up sitting in a hot bath to see if the hot water could numb the sharpness.

It didn't.

I felt my hope dwindle.

My mood turned sour.


I put on a pretty good face the rest of the day (I think? Dan!?) We hit up NSM for this week's groceries and I organized the kitchen once we got home. I still finished the laundry. I wasn't able to cook dinner like I had hoped. Dan is looking into finding me some of those fancy gel mats to stand on. That will help.

But really, today the pain stole my joy. And a bit of my optimism as usual.

It makes all of my goals from tiny little things like making dinner to great big huge things like working a full time job or improving my health overall to have another baby or just live and serve my family well ... It makes those things seem like a dark and unsurmountable mountain.

And that is it.

That's all I have to say about it. About pain.

It just ruins things. A great big, fat, ruiner. That's what pain is.

Real Life is Messy

State of Affairs by the End of the Day from Dan and Leah Herzing on Vimeo.

Transitions

We are weaning. There was nursing together in bed this morning but also a tall bottle of formula with cartoons. The time he spends nursing is less and less. I am ready for weaning but I have approached it a bit haphazardly. Which seems to be the way I feel I am approaching everything in my life these days. If I had the time or energy to care, I would be more organized and precise. I just don't. And I find myself straddling multiple transitions. Transitions like weaning, as a mama, but also new phases for myself with hobbies and managing our household. Some of it is so new; it is still an idea waiting for steps toward reality. Other things are chaotically shifting, like this blog. My banner is under order for a name change to match my new dot com, Lovely Loola, and there a additional changes to come. Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say Hi. I am exhausted after a long day at work, managing a Fibro flare up, and chasing my son around the house. It will continue to be this chaotic until he is like, away at college, won't it? ;)

An Average Day

Lunch Date 4/26/2012

6:00 a.m. It Begins.

• Wake up. Find Raine standing in his crib, waiting for me with a big smile on his face. He is such a morning boy. He did NOT get that from me.
• Bring him to bed with me and nurse for five to ten minutes. Watch Peek a Boo on the iPhone together. Realize Dude kinda' stinks.
• Try to change his diaper but he is a busy bee. Somehow poop gets on his belly, legs, arms, and back...The mirror, changing pad, dresser, rug. My elbow. My Tshirt. 
• Dude gets a bath.
• Dry and dress Raine in living room.
• Put him in his play station and turn on Sprout so I can go clean up all of the before mentioned poop, shower myself, brush my teeth, and dress for the day.
• Play with Raine.
• Put him in his play station so I can walk Rocco.
• Pack bag for baby sitter and grab my frozen lunch and snacks.
• Take Raine to baby sitter. Kisses!
• Stop at Starbucks for a grande soy chai. Luv my baristas, Tim, Shane, and Sophia. 

9:00 a.m. Time to Work.

• Boring work stuff. Too much to do. I'm always behind.
• Fifteen minute break to pump breastmilk. Use this opportunity to check Facebook, read blogs, play Words with Friends with Dan's father, uncle, and cousin and Word Scramble with Dan's coworkers and friends. Sometimes play Draw Some with Allyson.
• More boring work stuff. Try to catch up.
• Snacks
• Use lunch hour to visit Raine and breastfeed (M,W,F) or go to Gentle Hatha at yoga studio in downtown Sherwood (T, TH) and/or run to store or post office if needed.
• Boring work stuff.
• Fifteen minute break to pump. Play more games and check email.
• Snacks
• Boring work stuff.
• Resist urge to daydream about all the other things I would rather be doing.

6:00 p.m. Home!

• Walk through that door and find a super cute little dude playing with Dan. His smile warms my heart.
• Play with Raine, often FaceTime grandparents
• Bath time for Raine if he needs it
• Feed Raine pureed or finger food
• Go for Family Walk if it isn't raining
• "Soft play" with Raine in his bedroom 
• Read his bedtime book
• Rock him and breastfeed
• Pick up Raine's toys
• Attempt laundry, trash, litter box, dishes, etc. while Dan puts Raine down for the night
• Crash on couch and watch any of the following while Dan finishes making dinner: Guiliana & Bill, House Hunters, Friends, Love It or List It
• Eat dinner with Dan and watch any of the following if we can catch it: Survivor, Modern Family, Parks & Recreation, Chopped, Iron Chef, Sweet Genius, Cupcake Wars, Storage Wars.
• Surf internet, read mail, blog, or work on project if there is time
• Somewhere in here acknowledge Rocco and try to pet him or throw his toy around

11:00 p.m. So Called Bedtime.

• Physically lay down in bed
• Almost instantaneously get smothered and scolded by Hobbes
• Play games on iPhone or read if he will let me (Dude has a major strong head-butt move)
• Have trouble falling asleep because Dan is snoring
• Have trouble falling asleep because Hobbes is smothering me and/or scolding me
• Have trouble falling asleep because I know I will wake up soon when Raine wakes
• Rock and breastfeed Raine when he wakes around midnight or 1 a.m.
• Rock and breastfeed Raine when he wakes around 3 a.m. or 4 a.m.

 6:00 a.m. It Begins Again. Already!?

Happy Friday!

 

Lunch Date. Green smoothie and smooches. Ooh la la!

On Tap On Oscar Night

Feeling Fruity!

My pick for Dan...He was pleased.

In the middle of the evening, while eating dinner, sitting on the couch and watching who won this year's best actor, with Dan next to me, and Raine scooting around in his walker shrieking with delight, I was totally overwhelmed with a sense of joy and peace.

I thought: I have so much. Dan has given me this home, beautiful things around us, delicious food, and now, this scrumptiously cute baby boy who is growing so strong and smart and quick before our very eyes. I am so happy.

Raine watching Meryl

I'm rooting for Clooney, mama!

 We had a very fun weekend in Washington visiting April and family in Graham, and Andy in Olympia...

Raine, Ally, Faith, Bel, Nathan, & Noah

Thumb wrestling with Andy

And here it is already half way through the week...The last night of February. It is quiet. I have a moment to post because Raine is asleep in his crib. Will he sleep in it the whole night? That would be a small miracle. ;) We'll see...

A recent afternoon nap...Practice makes perfect!