Blasty: Part I Finding Out

This is our baby, who we affectionately refer to as "Blasty." When we discovered we were pregnant, I was about 4 weeks along and Dan learned that the baby was at the stage of being a "blastocycst." Blasty! The photo above was from our first ultra sound when he (or she) was six weeks. His head is at the top of the uterus, with a little lima bean-like body below.

So how did this happen?!? (More importantly, how did I keep it a secret!??! LOL.)

After the future-baby making post on December 11th, we hit a tail-spin. I used an ovulation test kit the first two weeks of the month but we never had a positive. It is hard to even describe how disappointing that was.

On the 16th, I met with the fertility nurse for a consultation required by my insurance company. They follow a series of steps before referring patients outside the network to fertility clinics. She quickly assured me that my doctor planned to refer me right away. However, the final steps I needed to take were: 1) have Dan's paperwork sent to my office and 2) Check my fallopian tubes. First of all, Dan didn't have any paperwork. :) We never had his reproductive capabilities checked! And second, I found it slightly absurd that they wanted to check my tubes. I CAN'T MAKE EGGS. I wasn't interested in my tubes! Besides, they were going to classify the procedure, a standard hysterosalpingography (HSG), as a fertility procedure, so my insurance would only pay half. It was going to cost us about $1000.

$1000 to check my tubes. When we knew I couldn't even make an egg. So that my doctor could refer me to a fertility specialist to address the egg problem, with more expensive and aggressive treatments. No thanks.

And that was it. It was like realizing the road was a dead end. We decided not to do the HSG, but we had Dan get his sperm tested. Of course the sperm were perfect. At that point, the two of us began to see things differently. I was exhausted. Dan wanted me to see what the naturopath had to say and try treatment for at least six months. I was wary of doing anything else to my body and afraid that I couldn't handle it emotionally. I felt like I had already gave so much. I was ready to move onto adoption. I ordered an informational packet from a local agency.

A week after the fertility consultation, on December 23rd, I took a pregnancy test.

When I look back on this, I am struck at the irony. I didn't need to take one. I didn't ovulate, and there was still another 5 days or so that I could start a period on my own. I was just in the habit of ending each cycle by taking one so that I could verify I wasn't pregnant and begin the next round of medicine. Somewhere, deep inside, I must have known. Because there wasn't going to be another round of medicine. We were done!

I left work early that day and spent that afternoon on the couch...I had cramps and was starting to wonder if I was getting a bladder infection. There was some pressure and discomfort, and I had to go to the bathroom all the time. I spent two hours on the phone with Hattie, agonizing about the whole journey and worrying about what to do next with Dan and I in disagreement. After our talk, I ran errands and picked up some stuff at the store, including a test. When I got home, I ran in the bathroom and took it, hardly even paying attention to the results. What I noticed was that it changed right away. I didn't even know what the result meant. Then I read the directions. And I started shaking. Why did I have a positive?

I immediately told Dan to go to the store and buy another test. Buy two or three. Get different brands. Get expensive ones! I thought I had a false positive and I needed to know for sure ASAP. So, off he went. He came back to find me pounding back glasses of water and on the phone with my mom. She called while everything was happening, so I called her back to talk and keep my mind off of what was actually happening. About a half hour later, I had to pee. I ended the call with my mom and returned the bathroom with two tests. One was the same brand and the other was a fancy digital one. After I used them, I walked back to the living room and informed Dan that you aren't supposed to drink a lot of water and then take a test. It can dilute the results. We were probably going to get a negative, but we wouldn't know if it was accurate. Right? This was all crazy! I couldn't stop shaking! I went back to the bathroom and glanced at the tests.

Wow. I'm really pregnant.

future-baby making: month thirteen

so, the past seven weeks have been very difficult.

my blood work in october showed an abnormally low level of progesterone indicating i did not ovulate despite a surge on my home test kit. my doctor gave me an rx for the maximum dose of clomed to use the next cycle but then i didn’t start.

my new doctor did a whole lot of “well, gee whiz.” “boy, i don’t know!” “gee, i wonder why you can’t ovulate?” “hmmm.” “huh.” he had me schedule an appointment with the fertility nurse, who i couldn’t get an appointment with for two months. at my suggestion (from past experience) he prescribed progesterone to make me start. it was day 40, after all.

after ten days of provera, i started. and it was a mess. i mean, there was a lot of blood. i was changing a super tampon every half hour for three god awful days (which made traveling especially fun). i was exhausted. and i was really emotional.

i couldn’t even talk about it anymore.

i started reading a blog by another woman who has PCOS and her journey with infertility. and she had links to other blogs, who had links to others….suddenly a whole community of infertile couples revealed itself online. (it started here.)

and i realized: we are an infertile couple. i mean, it is kind of official at this point.

and i felt angry.

i finally said out loud to dan: “it’s not fair.” instead of trying to make me feel better, he simply agreed. it isn’t. we are beautiful people with a loving relationship who want to have our own child. and we can’t make it happen.

i began to have the sort of thoughts and emotions that i swore i absolutely never would. i was jealous and irrational. the thought of hearing someone else got pregnant freaked me out. i started to dread the baby shower i was invited to. i regarded anyone who tried to comfort me with utter contempt.

“it’ll be ok” or “it’ll happen!”

“look at so and so,” or, “look at me, it happened!”

i thought if i heard the story where “the couple who were trying to get pregnant finally stopped trying and got pregnant” …one more time…i was going to scream at the poor individual who shared it.

and good god, did i feel guilty. so guilty. because i let my pain actually diminish, if not eclipse, my joy for another friend’s pregnancy, for other friends’ children, for, actually, everyone alive on the goddamn planet because somebody gave birth to them. how awful. who wants to hang out with the mean and bitter infertile girl?

when we first arrived in arizona, i couldn’t even look directly at baby nexus. when she was brought into a room, everyone turned their gaze to her. i mean, she is a gorgeous baby. and exciting! What is more fun than waiting and watching to see how a miraculous little creature like that will react to you? smile? burp? giggle? it is all delicious. but i couldn’t look.

i quickly covered the fact that yes, we were still trying, and no, the medications weren’t working, so we are on to the next thing. i didn’t create a conversation that left room for anyone to contribute. it felt like an elephant in the room but it was my elephant, only i could see it. and it was annoying! it made me feel isolated and anxious around my dearest friends. while we were there, i also started taking clomed at 200 mg. i had an upset stomach and couldn’t escape a wierd jittery sensation. i felt like i was going to crawl out of my skin.

but by our last night there, i had held nexus. i had smiled at her and meant it. i loved her and pax-simply loved them without bitterness. they made me laugh. i made progress.

our last night, while dan got his tattoo, despite my fear and resistance, i talked about it all with tina. she didn’t say any of the things that i hate to hear. she just listened. and then she started to cry and told me that she is angry, too.

i could have lived in that moment of solidarity forever. it was very healing. i really need more of it, and the only way to get it is to keep sharing. even though it is hard.

and trying. future-baby is not a lost cause, even though sometimes it feels like it. i have been doing the home test-kit the past 10 days to no avail, but there are at least 10 days to go. hell, i might just test-kit my way into the next cycle just to be thorough. :)

i have an appointment with the fertility nurse next week. dan is going to have his sperm checked. i opened up to my coworker and it turns out her husband is an acupuncturist who treats infertility and she gave me the name of a highly recommended naturopath who also specializes in infertility and female hormones. i'll meet with her in february. and life goes on. dan and i are happy and have so much fun together it is probably disgusting. we just ooze love.

and the baby shower? it was good. :) i was truly happy to be there and truly happy for her and her family and i can’t wait to meet the lil’ guy. (xoxo, mel) and of course i enjoyed every moment of putting together her gift, because really, i like giving gifts. a lot.

we found her the elephant that was on her online registry but sold out (thank you, anthropologie) and gave her a nice little stockpile of onesies, four for nb, 0-3, and 3-6 each. thank you, target, for making a sweet and simple alternative to blue for a boy. :)

future-baby making: month eleven (wow. almost one year)

the last time i wrote about this, things were slowly moving along and i was pretty optimistic (but also afraid to get my hopes up). i was waiting for my body to find a natural cycle, and after five months i actually had "spontaneous menses" (as my doctor refers to it, as if it is the most super exciting thing, like i need a party hat and a noisemaker.) then it didn't happen again so i went back to taking the progesterone medication.

with a return to the progesterone medication, we went back to the usual routine. after working my way up to the maximum dose to induce ovulation (hello, triplets!) i still wasn't able to get a positive with the ovulation home test kits. so we scheduled an ultra-sound to see if the drug was actually contributing to the cause. :)

remember the first post i wrote about this? i compared the first two months to a roller coaster ride. it was up, it was down. and then it was up again. and down again. by my second post, i was just trying to avoid the extremes. i was taking a road trip, steady going, right? well, the day of the ultra sound and the weeks to follow were like riding the batman roller coaster; up and down while suspended by the seat of my pants (or paper gown, if you will).

dr. 1 visit #1 there are my ovaries on the screen while dan asks nerdy scientific questions. for no apparent reason, i feel optimistic. ...up!

sorry, folks, it's note what we hoped for. your ovaries are covered in dark round circles which are the cysts (in PCOS talk these are referred to as 'black pearls' but to me they look like craters on the moon). there should be some elevation (doplar radar looking specks of green and yellow or red) indicating whether follicles are about to produce eggs. ...down!

actually, there is a hint of elevation over here on the left ovary. it's small (a beautiful radiant yellow if i ever saw one) so we could be a little early for the testing window. this could be growing. it could be a recruit. yes, dr. g actually called it a recruit. :) ...up!

and, wow, actually, there is another tiny one there on the right ovary. that could be two recruits! let's see what happens when you do your test kit this week. ...up!

BUT. if we don't see a positive for a hormonal surge on the test kit (so far this week we haven't) and your blood work confirms you didn't ovulate, the next step could be one of three things:

• try a new medication. it is a diabetic medication, metformin, which is also commonly prescribed for PCOS as a substitute for birth control to create a regular menstrual cycle.
• try a new medication that could work but it is being used off label.
• i can refer you to a fertility specialist where you can begin trying more aggressive medications, like monthly injections, or other procedures...

hubby + wifey convo #1: so we might have two recruits. cool. love you, love you too. ...up!

hubby + wifey convo #2: i tried metformin two years ago, to no avail. i was nauseous every day and the bleeding didn't stop for over a month. but i'm willing to try it again if there needs to be a next step. and neither one of us is comfortable using a drug off label. love you, love you too. ...down!

the NEXT day after our ultra sound, i have a positive surge on the test kit. hubby is notified and the proper arrangements are made for us to get busy making future-baby over the next few days. ...up! ...inversion!

wifey fantasy #1: this is one of those stories that you'd never believe: not only are we going to conceive, we will have seen the follicles that led to that conception. and there were two, one on each ovary. twins! ...up!

doctor 1 visit #2: your bloodwork is the best way of knowing if you ovulated. at this point in your cycle, you should have a level of progesterone around 14.

yours is 0.5. ...inversion! ...down! ...down!

hubby + wifey convo #3: neither one of us wants to see a specialist. that leads to an entirely more intense experience physically, emotionally, and financially. controlled multiovulation, like the GnRH infusion pump, immature oocytes harvesting, etc. our hearts just aren't in it. of course we want to conceive, but we are also fulfilled by our marriage and if it just going to be us, we are okay with that. besides, we know plenty of people who randomly, miraculously became pregnant eventually without even trying! love you, love you too.

pregnancy test (just in case): negative. ...down!

doctor 2 visit #1: how are things going? no luck? are you taking the rx for folic acid? essentially, you do not have the luxury of leaving it up to the random and miraculous. if you are not using preventative measures, you HAVE to take the folic acid. if you do not, the damages from lamictal to the fetus are earliest, before you will even know you are pregnant. ...down!

[HAULT] for me, taking the folic acid, putting those little white pills in my palm everyday, feels like i am hoping and i am making a conscious choice to try to conceive. and i don't like doing it. i'd rather not hope so that i'm not disappointed. so i don't take the pills. but. we aren't "not" trying and i am taking lamichtal. i am the most horrid casual, mindless, cursory, disregardful, slipshod, sloppy, heedless, improvident, offhand, perfunctory, imprudent, inadvertent, lackadaisical, loose, incautious, negligent, nonchalant, inconsiderate, indifferent, irresponsible, reckless and regardless future mother ever. you pick the adjective. [RESUME]

doctor visit 1 #3: let's start metformin. three pills a day every day. eat something when you take them.

a month passes and at day 61 of my cycle, i start. spontaneously. dr. g tells me to see if i have a regular cycle over the next month and then we'll resume clomed, but at a low dose. no need to amp things up just yet (goodbye triplets!) ...up!

23 days and i start again. spontaneously. i am nauseous and crabby and will continue to bleed heavily for two weeks. i don't take folic acid. i forget to even take clomed. ...down!

hubby and wifey convo #4: i just don't know what i want or feel anymore. well, i do: future-baby. i want you to keep taking everything and hang in there. ok. i love you, i love you too. ...up!

TODAY.

today i am having my blood drawn again. i had a typical two month cycle and ten days ago i had a positive surge for ovulation. we will hopefully know on monday. :)

future-baby making: month five

after the initial roller coaster, things have settled into a slow and steady drive. kind of like our road trip.

for me, future-baby making is riding in the car with dan and he's driving while i keep dozing off and then waking up to find drool at the corner of my mouth. i am literally trying to sleep until we get there.

it's the only way to keep my wits about me. i take my emotions to the extreme and this is my way of keeping still. so i don't watch the road. i don't make him stop the car. i don't think about anything good or anything bad. i don't ask if we are there yet.

literally the day after my last post, i started, thanks to a healthy dose of progesterone. since then, we are slowly working with my body to coax it into creating a cycle. i take a medication to help my body ovulate, then use a test kit to determine when i do and have my blood checked at the end of each cycle to see if i did at all. no luck yet, but we've seen other progress. april was the first month that i didn't have to take the progesterone to stimulate menstruation, which means my body was able to work naturally at something for the first time. yea!

so we do have a route of sorts. and i gave dan a map. i'm surprised with the scientist in him dan hasn't constructed a graph or chart by now...he is in charge of tracking my basal body temperature. (april told me she did this when trying to conceive. the body averages a single degree spike at ovulation) so every morning when his alarm goes off at 5:30, he wakes me up to stick a thermometer in my mouth. i'll drift in and out of sleep until it chirps, then practically throw it back at him as i roll over into deep sleep again. he notes the temp on a piece of paper we keep on the floor and then hobbes lays down on it as if he's keeping guard.

and so it goes. nothing exciting. days pass, notes are taken, and we keep moving. someday we'll get there. ;)

future-baby making: month one + two*

roller coaster up!

dr. #1 visit #1 go ahead with the future-baby making! first, take this pill so you can ovulate. then, take an ovulation test every day for a week. next, come in for blood work so we can check to see if you ovulated. don't forget your prenatal vitamin and talk to your psychiatrist about your medications because three are class c. (class c drugs have animal studies that had adverse effect on the fetus and/or there are no adequate and well-controlled studies in humans.)

roller coaster down!

dr.#2 - visit #1: you haven't had a period in five weeks? take a pregnancy test. in the meantime, here's an rx for folic acid. now let's talk about your medications. here are your options:

• stop all three medications. this is the safest for future-baby. this is not safe for you because you can have withdrawal and/or a relapse
• stay on all three medications. this is risky during pregnancy for the baby and he/she will experience withdrawal after birth.
• stop trazodone, my sleeping medication. it should be the easiest to come off of.
• stop an additional drug but stay on at least one
• • stop lamictal and stay on cymbalta. (the most recent study with lamictal had cases of birth defects like cleft palate or lip.)
  • stop cymbalta and stay on lamictal. (cymbalta is a very new drug and there are no studies.)

roller coaster down down down!

hubby + wifey convo #1: wean me off lamictal and stay on cymbalta. monitor my condition. post-pone future baby-making until i am off the drug. i love you, i love you too.

roller coaster up!

dr. #3 - visit #1: you haven't had a period in six weeks? take a pregnancy test. your bloodwork is good. you are only deficient in vitamin d. here are drops to take every day. yes, you should see a specialist about your hand and head tremors.

roller coaster up!

dr. #4 - visit #1: you haven't had a pregnancy test in seven weeks? take a pregnancy test. i am diagnosing you with essential tremor. this will more likely get better rather than worse while you are pregnant. after your pregnancy, there are medications you can take if you continue to have trouble with this. i have prescribed lamictal for epilepsy and my patients have had very successful pregnancies. i strongly urge you to stay on lamictal and try going off cymbalta. i have seen too many cases where unknown drugs have caused problems. also, do you have a doctor who will monitor your blood sugar during pregnancy? you are a high risk for gestational diabetes. [at which point i express, given everything from depression to fibromyalgia to diabetes, "i feel like the worst person to get pregnant..." at which point she tells me, "don't even think that. not for one second. you are healthy and young and you are perfect for being pregnant." at which point (as i am recounting the conversation to dan) dan tears up.]

roller coaster up! roller coaster down!

hubby + wifey convo #2: wean me off cymbalta and stay on lamictal. monitor my condition. post-pone future baby-making until i am off the drug. i love you, i love you too.

dr. #2 - phone call #1: i am glad you got a second opinion with the neurologist regarding lamictal. i want to see you in a week. you still haven't had a period? take a pregnancy test.

roller coaster up! roller coaster down!

dr. #1 - phone call #1: you haven't had a period? take a pregnancy test. if it is negative, take this pill to induce a period. then take this pill to ovulate. repeat ovulation kit and appointment for bloodwork.

roller coaster down!

dr. #2 - visit #2: glad to hear you have no withdrawal symptoms! monitor your mood and as soon as you feel like you might be slipping back into a depressive state, we'll talk. if that happens, we can try a class A medication. it is safe to stay on trazodone at a low dose since you are activated at night without it. here's an rx for more, and for the new dissoluble lamictal tablets. let's meet again in six weeks.

roller coaster up!

hubby + wifey convo #3: one more week and we're good to go!!! except the getting the period thing! so now we wait for that in exciting anticipation. ironic. i love you, i love you too.

roller coaster up! roller coaster down! roller coaster up!

* gosh darnit. blogging is such a good way to vent. i guess there will be future-baby making posts.

(it's on) holy bajoly.

i didn't mean to post that. after i wrote it, dan and i talked about it and decided not to. we hadn't even talked to our families.

i had it programmed to post today and forgot to remove it.

i don't know what to say.

um, , , , , ,

it's okay.

thank you for your sweet comments.

it's on.

keen readers may have perceived that dan's book for christmas is 'a caveman's guide to pregnancy' and that i (sarcastically) listed ovulations kits as something i'm love, love, loving. or maybe it doesn't take a keen reader. april said she read between the lines. (what lines?)

so, yes. we have entered into the baby-making process, complete with prenatal vitamins and fancy ovulation medications. this will be a looooooong process for us given my medical complications, so at first we were not planning to tell anybody. apparently, i am now shouting it to the universe by posting.

i'd just like to say that this blog is not about this particular venture. it's not about baby-making, being pregnant, or future-baby when it arrives. it's about my life and my life with my husband and our friends and family. obviously, along the way there will be some photos and miniature thoughts about the whole thing. but just as it is one aspect of my life, it will not take over our life, or my life shared on this blog. friends and family will be privy to details that i prefer not to share here.

we're cautious but we're nuts about future baby. we're bringin' it, established baby-makers. dan + leah = future baby awesomeness.

Tuesday: Long Overdue Baby Update

Usually Dan posts on Tuesday nights, but tonight he is at a class at Clackamas Community College for work. I am supposed to be in class but again I have stayed home. I am trying to placate Hobbes.

Let me fill you in on a little bit of what we've been dealing with lately...

Remember when Dan wrote this adorably honest and sweet post about us trying to start a family? Well, we've never really followed up with that because we didn't have that exciting we-did-it!-there's-a-little-human-on-the-way! post.

So what happened? I gave it a-go with the medication for four months, only to give up. I was experiencing lots of nausea as a side effect and toward the end, I had a hard time faithfully taking that gag-inducing horse pill three times a day. My doctor offered an extended-release tablet that I only had to take twice a day, but with no change, I finally threw my hands up in the air and asked for the GODDAMN BIRTH CONTROL PILL, ALREADY!

We realized it just wasn't the best time for aggressive-baby-making, given my daily struggle with health problems combined with school, work, etc. At this time, we also received the exciting news that we would soon become an Aunt and Uncle, and we've also been able to get our baby fix with Pax, the cutest little peanut on the planet.

Just when I thought everything had settled down and I would be popping the pill until further notice, I continued to have bleeding as I always have. Last Tuesday, I went in to talk to my doctor and check on my uterus and all those special lady parts in light of my diagnosis with PCOS, only to find that the lining of my uterus was much like "an overgrown lawn" that needed some weeding, pruning, and mowing, if you will. Concerned at the sight of my uterine jungle that had grown 5 times the normal size, my doctor performed an emergency procedure to procure tissue from the untamed garden, leaving me doped up on painkillers and bewildered as I told Dan that the doctor feared I might have endometrial hyperplasia or cancer.

We waited--HOW do you even articulate this sort of waiting?--for four days for his CHEERFUL phone call that let us know the cells of the tissue were benign. In the meantime, I had to put schooling on hold as I rested and medicated, as well as leaving EVERYTHING up in the air until I knew whether or not I would need surgery to remove the overgrown lining.

At this point, the plan is for me to weather this "period from hell" (direct quote from Dr. Girolomi) with some Vicodin, heating pads, and copious amounts of super tampons and chocolate milkshakes. I will continue to take THE PILL in order to get enough progesterone, and in six weeks I will get tested again, just to make sure everything is back to normal, and that sufficient pruning has occurred.

I really have to laugh as I write this because if I don't find the humor in it all, I just can't keep going. I am not one to talk openly or aggressively about my health problems, but I have to say that it is a daily reality that really beats me down. At this point, I am at least learning how to talk about having Fibromylagia, using FMS Nest to help me articulate the convoluted existence I have with that illness, but what do I do with the rest? Do I have to start a blog for every diagnosis I get? It's all just so overwhelming.

I hope y'all don't mind if I occasionally use this format to vent or analyze my medical existence. Thank God I found a partner that is sensitive and caring, not to mention the best goddamn cheerleader on the planet. If he didn't make me giggle everyday of my life, I don't know what I'd do.

So, hopefully, I'll get to write another post someday that says BABY!

And the best part is...

Starting a family with...

So How Do You Make a Baby Again?????

You put the guy's thingy in the girl's thingy, and presto: Instant little human!!! Movies and TV make it seem that easy, but I don't think it is. On this blog there are baby clothes, a crib, and baby toys, so one might ask, "Is Leah pregnant?!!?!" Well...the answer is NO for those inquiring minds.

However, we HAVE been doing some research.

One of the only truly heated discussions Leah and I have had during our almost 3 years of marriage, was the issue of adoption. I am not against adoption at all, but my basic stance was: if we couldn't have children the old fashioned way, I would consider adoption because at the root of it all....I want to be a father. Those of you that have known Leah, or read about her on her various blogs, you know by now that she has some pretty big health issues--fibromyalgia being a tough one. She does not (or did not) think that her body could handle the rigors of being pregnant. (Of all the research I have done, I have found that for 99% of the female population, being preggers ain't a Sunday afternoon stroll.) I have to give my wife so much credit because she has decided with me to give it a try the "old fashioned way."

Now comes the hard part.....

(By the way, this is going to be long, so please feel free to excuse yourself and grab your favorite snack item.)

Enter more research and health class information.

So here is the deal. The best time to conceive a child is when the woman is ovulating: Leah's got an egg and it is waiting to hook up with one of my little fellows. Most women ovulate 10 or so days after their period has ended. Hence first issue. Leah is on her period anywhere from 24-35 days. RED FLAG. THAT AIN'T NORMAL! She went to visit the "lady doctor" to be like, "ummm got some problems goin on down there," and it turns out she has Polysystic Ovarian Syndrome. So she produces an egg, but then it multiplies into cysts (preventing her from being fertilized by one of my playa's) and then she bleeds forever! Now there are 2 options for this syndrome: 1) Take birth control to regulate hormones (baby makin not an option) or 2) Take another type of pill to regulate the period and start ovulation. Which door did they choose Alex??? We went with #2. Again, mad props to my wifey, because one of the side effects is nausea and for the first month she was not feeling in the best of sorts. Her bleeding has stopped, but she has not had a period yet. Who knew there was so much going on down there that could go wrong!? I mean, with guys it is easy. Hmmmm, its purple....see doctor.....hurts when I pee.....see doctor....can't find it......probably see doctor. Anyway, the point is that Leah is undergoing "under the hood maintenance" so we can try for futurebaby.

(Why don't I use the correct scientific terms for this process? People, this is entertainment. Plus, I know my Mom reads this.)

Speaking of my mom. Leah was wondering why I have not told my mother all of these things? She has told friends and family that we are in fact T.R.Y.I.N.G. I don't have a good answer for that. I guess that I am a big fan of surprises, so I wanted to be on the phone one Sunday and say, "Hey mom, by the way, Leah and I are pregnant!" I love surprises! I also think part of it is that I have always been a reserved person who does not talk to people about feelings, and things, in my life, you know......Typical male traits (I also drink beer and obsess about football.) I have always wanted to know about other people, listen to other people, and make other people happy, and I think part of me doesn't want to talk about this because I don't want to let people in, and also I think making other people happier means more (perhaps I should see a psychologist about this stuff?) I also think part of me doesn't think it will be easy, something will go wrong--maybe drastically wrong. It may be a deep-seeded pessimism I have with many things, but I don't want to imagine some of the hardships that my parents went through. Did my parents survive? Yes, they have two healthy, tall, and incredibly good looking sons (heh heh). I guess I would rather tell my parents once I knew everything was going OK, healthy, and running smooth. Now the cat is out of the bag, and we are "trying" officially (because I have typed this). To my mother who I know is reading this, "You know I have always been better with writing words than saying them, so I hope you understand. I love you, and ELBOWS to dad."

So, the best part.....getting to try to make a baby!! As everyone knows, being the male in conceiving is pretty easy and awesome. I am all for practicing as much as we can and as often as we can. When you think about your parents it always comes down to the same equation...."Honeymoon + Child #1 + Child #2 + repeat for the # of children = # of times parents have had sex." I know that isn't true, but I think most kids like to think so. I have told Leah we can practice as much as she would like, because I am committed to do my part. Which I alluded to above was easy and fun :)

So I am sure now that the secret is out that Leah will be filling everyone else in on the specifics and the everyday life of a married couple trying to start a family.

But the best part is......

Starting a family with....